The day is fast approaching and some of us get very creative and playful. It is like getting an official permission to be romantic, sexy and expressive about our feelings. Some of us become a bit antsy and even frustrated in response to the pressure to show up in the most intimate, and, at the same time, vulnerable caring way.
What am I going to give her, so she understands my message?
What should I give him, so he feels I really care about him, but do not support his life style?
How can I impress her if I do not have much cash to spare?
Most of our relationship schooling happens by observing our parents’ life, work, and how they relate to each other and to us. As this process unfolds, we are taught how to respond to similar situations with certain behaviors that may be very caring and nurturing or unsupportive and demanding of ourselves and others.
Every parent wants his/her child to accomplish something great in life and be more prosperous and successful than he or she is. We are often viewed by our parents as a final opportunity to realize their dreams. Often, we internalize their views of us and identify with their dreams, aspirations or accomplishments. We may not agree with, value, or accept these dreams as our own yet we still feel responsible to fulfill their expectations.
As parents continue to express the urgency to realize their partially unfulfilled desires, our young growing minds and hearts internalize this pressure and eventually transform it into tendencies to act on it. We act much faster then we are ready in order to relieve the pressure of their expectation. We start making decisions based on someone else’s belief vs. waiting for our own clarity. In addition, we are culturally conditioned to compete and “to be better” that often feels out of balance, unnatural to our core understanding of who we are, and extremely exhausting.
Most of us are deeply identify with the “not-self” patterns of early childhood conditioning supported by later experiences in life that match the same story. We constantly looking for love, approval and appreciation that we did not receive when we were young. This lack of support and unconditional love creates a feeling of insecurity limiting our natural expressions of creativity and love.
Love is caring, trusting, feeling safe and accepting. What we call love often feels like worry, control, intimidation, threat or submission and looking for approval that can give us a sense of lost parental attention or love. When you can recognize your true vibration in each moment you express your love, you will be able to be present and express the high vibration of creative flow with your unique flavor instead of figuring out how to please others based on your past experiences. For example, trusting your inner timing can help you lift off the pressure to make a decision when you may not be ready and clearly communicate your state to the person you love. Recognizing an outside or an internal pressure and allowing yourself to shift your attention into what you already have instead of what is missing, will help you activate your inner resources for making the most optimal choices in the present.
Emotional Dependency: Feeling Good When Feeling Bad
When you are living the dreams, ambitions, and life models that belong to your parents, teachers, or partners, you live according to what you think is expected of you. It creates stress and imbalances in your body, mind, and spirit, affecting all general aspects of your life.
A state of emotional, mental or physical imbalance, experienced over a substantial period (even for a month or so) eventually becomes our second nature. As we internalize our tribal dos, shoulds and do nots, our body/mind system identifies with these demands and changes our priorities according to other people’s needs and desires instead of following our own inclinations. We create an illusion of comfort through helping others, while a deep inner resentment and eventually a bottomless un-satisfaction begins to build up disrupting the graceful flow in our relationships.
Even if we have the best childhood and the most loving, attentive parents, we still experience the moments of shame or guilt and emotional manipulation during our first, most important years of development. Every critical interaction, every moment we feel that we are not living up to our parents’ expectations makes us a bit less confident and promotes the habit of pleasing others in order to prove our self-worth and experience acceptance and love. As we go through schooling, marriage, and raising our own children, we emanate these lower vibrations of fear, concern, and self-doubt. We start to worry about kids, or complain about life to people whom we love because these behaviors were the modeled ways to express love and compassion in our families.
Do you feel supported and cared for by the closest people in your family or by your romantic partners?
Are you taking your true Valentine to dinner next Monday or are you stuck with somebody that makes you feel insecure and worried just as your father (mother) did?
Do you like yourself when you are with your partner or you feel just the way you felt with your father (mother) and could never figure out how to please him(her)?
Lacking true, unconditional love and genuine interest in our lives, we look for people that may fulfill our need for inner safety and acceptance. Mistaking this need for a true love, we create all kinds of co-dependent relationships that remind us of our family of origin or reflect our own state of neediness. Even though these relationships keep us unbalanced, unhealthy and unhappy, they provide us with a familiar environment that we have learned to navigate.
What happens when your dialogue escalates in just a few minutes?
What drives you into states that are not only unpleasant, but also have long-term implications?
What makes you scream and cry while talking to the people you love the most?
Whatever drives you into a conflict-based conversation is often behavior or belief that has been modeled by your parents, spouses, or society at large. Eventually, this type of interaction becomes a norm and this way of being grows to be your own pattern. Your body becomes dependent on the level of stimulation that the conflict energy gives you. Why the heat during your conversation rises and your good intentions die in a conflict you did not mean to create? When people generate situations where there is no way out or they find the way to pick fights regularly, they are looking for pressure that allows them to interact more. This exhilarating rush makes them want to continue arguing and finding new hooks to engage their partners into a process through which they are getting internally stimulated.
The conflict, though unpleasant, may satisfy your dependency on the familiar chemicals released within your body while you are feeling lost, unheard or guilty. If you or your partner are addicted to these feelings, the fight helps create much-needed stimulant that paradoxically helps you feel better when you are really feeling worse. Becoming aware of these tendencies is one of the major steps in self-recovery and change that will allow your inner pharmacy to produce sustaining chemicals like endorphins to support your
The more we allow ourselves to be a part of and co-create this type of environment, the more we become dependant on the energy produced by the conflict we create. This behavior forms a pattern, or habit to be charged by the energy of an argument. This need carries itself over to other areas of our lives. We subconsciously begin to seek activities and relationships that require additional pressure, struggle, and drama. We become reliant on the sensations created by this chemical over-production in our system, and our inner pharmacy starts working over-time to support our need for this emotional drug.
The Solar Plexus which is the emotional center in a body is one of the major driving forces behind these actions. This is the center of self-acceptance, self-honor, and self –worth. It is where we feel a deep emotional guidance regarding our relationships and situations that are difficult to resolve. It gives us positive ideas of how to live a life of connection and love. We often do not recognize the simple truth of the Solar Plexus; any feeling is just a feeling. It allows you to really know what is out there by measuring your environment with your emotional barometer.
How to Avoid Living Not-Self Life?
We, humans, are deeply social and are specifically oriented on living and interacting with other people. As we interact with others, we regularly hear and often identify their ambitions as our own, whether we resonate with them or not.
Do you ever blurt things out of pressure, instead of speaking your truth and clarity?
Do you always know when it is your time for action feels?
Do you say “yes” to things and people that you are not interested in spending time with?
We have been living in our three-dimensional world for thousands of years. We started as simple patterns of energy and information and then evolved into more complex beings with multifaceted systems of energy and information. We now connect with the planets and each other at the level we still do not fully recognize. Today we are able to relate to ourselves as energetic beings more and more, letting this new experience unfold in front of our eyes. We witness tsunamis of love and hurricanes of destruction at every level, both personal and transpersonal that we produce. We are able to recognize that our every thought, every belief, every attitude delivers our energetic signature to the bigger picture of life.
It is important to know who you are and embrace all parts of you so you can role model the way you want to interact to others from the clarity and certainty of your uniqueness while letting others deal with their goals, objectives and timing.
It is up to you to stop watching and listening to the old program installed in your early years by some of the struggling individuals in your life. If you stop judging and blaming, you can use your energy to accept and live with what is real for you in the moment, change the situation or relationship, or find what is ideal for you. Give yourself permission to be different and make a conscious choice to be at peace with that.
It takes courage and practice not to be ashamed, feel guilty or try to cover up whatever makes you unique. The more you notice yourself being unique and different, and acknowledge that these are your gifts, the more secure, stable, and strong you will grow. This is just a suggestion, a new thought that you may want to incorporate into your thinking of yourself. If you come back to this thought a number of times, it will become your second nature.
You are the “right” person for your life, having the “right” experiences that were meant for you. You are “spot on” in your life journey. Accept your way of being and relate to yourself and create your life from your knowing.
Creating Your Life from Your Knowing
Notice when in your Valentine’s Day you experience big happy smiles or pressures to perform, the need to be noticed, the drive to talk even if you do not know what to say. Allow these pressures to be what they are, just the pressures. Know that you always have a choice in how you respond to the pressure: to let it flow or to identify with it and try to fix it.
It often takes more courage to let the pressure pass through your body then taking responsibility to carry them, but the choice is always yours. When you acknowledge your true essential nature, you will start releasing your old conditioned ways of being (like adopting other people ambitions, dysfunctional relationships and struggling with un-satisfying projects) and be YOU, say what YOU want to say, and find your voice of creation.
My life work is about helping people find their voice and communicate from inner guidance, innovation and personal power. It is my dream to serve you with my love’s creative expression through Soul paintings, YouTube videos and alchemical energy session for expansion. No one can give you the power to create love. It is your birthright, an innate authority given to you already. You already have a strategy and a power of co-creation within your universe. Use your light and beauty to illuminate love and creative force in others, so you can enjoy being the Valentine every day.